I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
