Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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