Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
