I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Someone came in the potted fern
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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