So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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