I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
