guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
