look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
