Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
