just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
