Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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