the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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