u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
