Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
