If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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