I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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