I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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