at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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