Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
