I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
