one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
