Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
