singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
