'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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