Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
