just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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