You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
