Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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