so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize