in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
