I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
