My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Randomize
