this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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