Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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