Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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