I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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