I wish I could punch you in the face.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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