He kissed a someone with a penis
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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