Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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