If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
