I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
