fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
