1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
