So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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