Just fell off a train. Bad.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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