I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
