When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize