Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
