I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
