apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
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