we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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