Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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