I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
