What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize